I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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