I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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