just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
