Michael Bay diarrhea
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
