I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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