I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
