we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your penis caused this!
jump out the window naked night went bad
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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