drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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