for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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