My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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