I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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