4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
