census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
