My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
