I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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