we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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