and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Actions speak louder than pants.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
