haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
