420 ftw
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
