I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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