there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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