trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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