Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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