Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
