I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
