Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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