girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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