Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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