tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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