he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
