so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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