i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
