y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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