I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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