I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
