I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
