I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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