i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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