I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
