broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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