I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
