I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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