I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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