My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Randomize
