He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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