I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
