"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
