My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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