Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
