nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
