Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i now understand why vodka
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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