I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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