I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
