Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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