My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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