youre lurking in front of me
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
