The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
