Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
