his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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