at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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