god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize